Wednesday, June 29, 2011

And this is why Im fat...

My name is Angela. And this is my journey into the world of weight loss.
Thanks for supporting me.
I'm Cuban and Italian. Lets just get that out of the way, before I go any further. Rice, beans, pasta, and bread are staples in my life. I have a sick obsession with chocolate, ice cream, and Coke. I would rather bake, have a carb-ey lunch with a friend, or sit outside of a Starbucks sipping a 3,000 calorie Grande Mocha Caramel Frappe, heavy on the whip then run a mile. Holidays aren't the holidays without 10 different kinds of my Moms made-from-scratch cookies. My heart sings when I drink Sangria with extra simple syrup. My favorite lip gloss flavor when I was a kid was called "Frosting". I'm a lick the bowl kind of girl, because Lord help me if a drop of batter goodness goes to waste. Food is a passion. There is no such thing as "Eating to live".... I definitely Live to Eat. And I love my life that way. I love my life, just the way it is.

But I don't love my body. I used to though. I miss the confidence I felt every time I walked into a store, and everything I put on looked awesome. I miss walking into a room of people, and not wondering if anyone is noticing my new chin, extra chubby arms, or that I squeezed into my jeans which produced the dreaded muffin top. I miss wearing a super cute bathing suit. I miss having clothes that are big.

I have struggled with my self image my entire life. It had nothing to do with anyone, or anything... but everything to do with being a perfectionist. I have a deep desire to have a perfect house, perfect little family, perfect attitude.... perfect body. I was a skinny kid... but I remember feeling self conscious for the first time when I was about 8. The beginning of puberty, while growing out the worst hair mistake ever. Seriously, my 2 brothers and I had identical haircuts. Anyway, I remember thinking I was fat. But, I wasn't. When I was about 11, I chubbed up a bit as the hips and boobs started growing into their adult place. I grew taller soon after, and my curves stretched out. Freshman year of high school, the desire to love my self image turned itself way up. I went on my first diet, and lost 20lbs. Sophomore year, I gained. Junior year, I lost it again. Senior year.... I went up and down. College is what really sucked. Freshman 15 turned into freshman 50. I had an hour drive to school. I left the house at 6:30am to get to an 8am class. Whats for breakfast? McDonald's, during my drive.. what else? Class lasted from 8am until 12:30pm. I would drive straight from school, to work at 2pm. Whats for lunch? McDonald's, Taco Bell, Checkers, Chic Fil A. After work, I never had time to go home and eat a decent dinner.. I had to party party party. And that's what I did. I partied. I drank a lot, because that's what cool college freshman do. And then I would eat that yummy, greasy drunk people food... at 2am. Then, I would get 4 hours of sleep and repeat the cycle the very next day.

2 years of this, and I finally had enough. So, I got serious. I went to a diet doctor. I took appetite suppressants and phentermine. I ate what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to. I also worked with 150 kids, so that helped. I would go out and dance every night. I would go for long runs. Before I knew it, I had that perfect body that I wanted. I was happy. But, something was missing....

 August, 2007.... I figured out what was missing from my life. His name was Ryan, and he turned my world upside down from the day we were introduced. Before I knew it, we were madly in love, making plans for our future, and eating. Because.. that's what you do when you meet someone new. You go to the movies. You go out for ice cream. You order in pizza. You go to fancy dinners. You go out to bars with friends, and eat late night Village Inn. I have a photo of Ryan and I, the night of our first kiss. He is holding a case of beer and I'm holding a bag of McDonald's cheese burgers. Seriously.

So we moved in together. I was on my own to cook our meals.  I like butter. And bread. And pasta. So, the pounds really started coming on. We got engaged. Planned our wedding. I dieted, but it wasn't a big deal for me to lose a bunch of weight, because my dress looked better with the curves.

2 years later, after 9 months of pregnancy and a healthy baby boy... and I'm back to hating my body. I need to lose this weight in order to be 100% happy with myself. Because the rest of my life is perfect. So, here I am... Opening up my weight loss to whoever cares to read. I will use this space to keep myself motivated. I will use this space to hold myself accountable. And I will use this space to reflect. On where Ive been, where I'm at, and where I'm going....
My size 6 self.

A week into Ryan and I's relationship.....


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